We’re Back                                Taking It Deeper                                        Inside The Sports

Yo, welcome back to Curl’s Deep Inside Sports, where we get deep in there. We were away for a while, contemplating life, and the rash on our inner thighs.  But now, we got some cream to bring the moisture back and we are back in the game. 

                                                                                                                                Football

        (ESPN’s Adam Schefter hustling, to make that bread.  Like a fucking soldier )

NFL 2012 Season Preview

Dallas is much improved team from last year.  With the signing of Brandon Carr and drafting Morris Claiborne, the cornerback position became solid for the first time in a long time.  This showed during the preseason as Dallas’ defense looked great.  Although that was just the preseason, it is an obvious upgrade from what we had.  

For the Cowboy’s offense there remains questions at the receiver and offensive line.  Miles Austin is still not fully healthy, their is a lot of guys fighting for that No. 3 receiver position, and we all know about Dez’s troubles.  The offensive line looked good at times during the preseason, but let’s just hope this holds up.  The Cowboys made a smart move last week in trading to get Dolphins to get their center Ryan Cook, who was a 2nd round draft pick in 2006 by the Vikings. 

All in all, if everything thing works out OK, and nobody gets hurt or whoops up on their mom it just might be good times again.

These are my predictions:

NFC East

For Dallas to win this division the offensive line is going to have to be stellar.
Philli and New York are strong as usual.  I think this is hard to predict as always.  New York has dumbface quarterback who some how know how to win, basically stealing Dallas’ spot in the playoffs last year and eventually defeating Tom Brady and the Pats again in the Super Bowl.  The team though that worries me the most is the Eagles.  Their defense looks scary.  I’m not sure if Vick can finish the season in one piece. I know what you’re thinking  what about Baylor’s RG3 in Washington.  Well keep the hope alive because I don’t.  I lost it as soon as the Redskins traded up to get him.

Predicted Winner : 


NFC North

This now has become the toughest division in the NFL.  With Brandon Marshal teaming back up with his main man Jay Cutler and adding Michael Bush in the backfield with Forte, Chicago is ready to compete with Green Bay and Detroit.  Green Bay has Aaron Rodgers, so that is all they really need.  Detroit is solid but they have issues at running back, with Jahvid Best on the unable to perform list until after week 6.  I also think Ponder is an underrated QB in Minnesota, but who knows with Adrian Peterson trying to return from injury. It should be a real tough division.

Predicted Winner:   

NFC South

New Orleans had a hurricane of problems in the offseason losing their head coach general  manager and best defensive player for most of or all of the season.  But that still got a Brees, so chill fool.   I think Carolina will continue to improve with the great addition of Mike Tolbert.  I think Cam Newton is a possible MVP candidate this year. Atlanta has Roddy White and Julio Jones, so they are always dangerous. Tampa Bay drafted a solid running back with Doug Martin and signed Vincent Jackson, but their defense is still weak.



Predicted Winner: 



NFC West

San Francisco is by far the favorite by everybody to win this division.  Too bad I’m not everybody.  They had preseason injuries to both running backs, Brandon Jacobs and draft pick LeMichael James.  This is trouble for a team who has become primarly a running team.  In Arizona, quaterback John Skelton stole Kevin Kolb’s job.  Also the St. Louis Rams improved their defense greatly with the signing of Cortland Finnegan from Tennessee.  My super sleeper in this division is Seattle and rookie quarterback Russell Wilson.   I think after Luck, this was this best quarterback in this last draft.  There is just something about this kid I like, and he kicked ass in the preseason enough to steal the job from the expensive free agent pick up, Matt Flynn.


Predicted Winner (Upset Special): 




AFC East

The Pats may be in some trouble this year.  Their offensive line looks surprisingly weak.  That line will have to deal with the new Buffalo Bills monster, Mario Williams.  As for the Jets, I don’t feel particularly good about their entire offense.  The Sanchez/ Tebow combo looks like an absolute train wreck in the making.  I don’t even want to talk about the Dolphins.



Predicted Winner:


AFC North

The AFC North is year after year one nothing but brutality.  This year looks nothing different.  The Steelers have already been going through injury problems, with losing 1st round draft pick David DeCastro for possibly the year with a torn MCL,  They are also waiting the full recovery of Rashard Mendenhall who tore his ACL last year.  In Cincinnati,  the Andy Dalton/ A.J. Green #4 combo meal added some Benjarvis Green-Ellis to do it nice, but the defense still tastes like shit.  Cleveland Browns.  HAHAHA.  But seriously they drafted Trent Richarson and Brandon Weeden in the first round.  HAHAHA.  Their team is going to suck, like always.



Predicted Winner: 


AFC South

If you haven’t seen this Andrew Luck kid then you’re just an asshole.  This kid is with no doubt the future.  The kid is so good, the Colts told Peyton Manning to take a fucking hike.  With that said, he doesn’t have much to work with.  The Houston Texans are the most complete team in this division.  I’m not sold on their defense just yet, but they finally got their QB Matt Shaub healthy so that might help.  The Jaguars finally got Jones- Drew  back, but it might take a while for him to get in football shape.  I think the Titans are question mark.  Does Chris Johnson come back after playing last season like a dude who don’t give a fuck?  Does Jake Locker got the goods Mel Kiper and that other douch guy told me forever he had? 

Predicted Winner:


AFC West

Without a doubt the biggest offseason story was Peyton Manning and where he would land.  Will Denver won the sweepstakes, and told their “Christian Wonderboy” to pack his shit, and hit the road.  I think Denver is good fit for Manning.  The Chargers went after defense hard in the draft.  The real question for San Diego is the health of Ryan Matthews.  Every preseason I see this guy and he is just demolishing the competition, but something seems to break on this kid, and the success story is put on hold.  The Chiefs added Peyton Hillis in the offseason to back up Jamal Charles, but I don’t know if the defense can help.

Predicted Winner:



Super Bowl:  over

Fantasy Pick of The Week

Andre Johnson

Andre is going  against the Dolphins in week 1.  If you haven’t been watching HBO’s “Hardknocks”, what the fuck.  Get with it.  But, if you have been watching, you would have noticed Dolphins don’t got shit for corners.  In fact, they traded one of their only decent cornerbacks, Vontae Davis, to the Colts.  So, I’m predicting Andre to bust out against these mediocre mofos.

                                                                                                 Baseball

  (Beltre and Rangers are back to killing the baseball)

Beltre is playing lights out. He was the hottest hitter in baseball in August.  He continued his hot streak into last night against Cleveland, hitting his 27th homerun of the season. 

   Jurickson Profar made his debut with the Rangers Sunday, and what a debut it was.  Hitting a homerun in his very first at bat. 

They play the Royals this week.  Pitching is my man, Yu Darvish.  At the beginning of the season I made a bet with my Yakuza buddies that Yu would win 15.  Right now he is 13-9 with 4.31 ERA.  It ain’t doing great, but it is good enough.   We need this win tomorrow. I need this win.  Yu better not let me down.

   ( I’m fighting all three of these guys to the death.  Get ready for mad leg sweeps.)

Texas is playing good, but the hottest team in baseball is right on the Rangers tail.  If you haven’t noticed the Oakland A’s are playing out of this world.  Winning 9 straight and putting 20 runs on the Red Sox last week.  The Rangers lead is only 3 as of Monday.

I wish someone could explain to me how the Dodgers can make trades with the Red Sox when then the trade deadline was July 31.  That’s fucking baseball for you.

                            MMA

Jon Jones ruins UFC 151

When Dan Henderson was removed from the UFC 151 card due to injury a week before the fight, Dana White was looking desperatly for a replacement for Jones to fight.  Chael Sonnen, who just came off a TKO loss to Anderson Silva, offered to move up in weight and fight Jon Jones.  Dana agreed, but Jon Jones didn’t.  So with the main event  canceled the UFC was forced to cancel the whole show. The first canceled show in UFC history. Meaning around 20 other fighters missed out on a check. 

Jones could have easly saved the UFC and the event by taking the fight with Chael Sonnen, but he felt 1 week to prepare for a new fighter is not long enough.  He was already in fighting shape, where Chael Sonnen just fought a little over a month ago. Jones would have been a huge favorite to win, but he canceled and was reschudled  for Sep 22 at UFC 152, where he will be fighting former champion Vitor Belfort.

As it has been evident in other champions, holding on to the championship belt can cause fighters to be over protective about matchups and even the fights themselves.

Upcoming Fight News

UFC 152  Sep. 22

Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones vs Vitor Belfort

Flyweight Champion Championship Joseph Benivedez vs Mighty Mouse Johnson

Michael Bisping vs Brian Stann

                                                                                                                               UFC on Fuel  Sep 29

Stefan Struve vs Stipe Miocic

                                                                                                                               UFC on FX  Oct 5

Travis Browne vs Bigfoot Silva

                                                                                                                              UFC 153 Oct 13

Featherweight Champion Jose Aldo vs Frankie Edgar

Rampage Jackson vs Glover Teixera

John Fitch vs Eric Silva

            Rising Above

                                Basketball

Miami Heat are the NBA champions

So, I’m sure many of you probably weren’t rooting for Lebron and the Heat to win the title.  Hell, I was right there with you.  However, I also like stories where some dude conquers all, despite everyone hating him.  After that championship series performance Lebron really impressed me.  I think the Heat were in trouble this entire playoffs.  Whether it was Indiana or Boston or Oklahoma City, whether it was Wade or Bosh being injured,  Lebron stepped up and answered his haters making clutch plays when his team needed most.  His biggest stat was his defense, mainly his coverage of Durant, basically taking him out the game.  Whether you like him or hate him, the dude proved why he is considered the best in league

So with that said, I don’t really see anybody besides my Indiana Pacers competing with this team in the East next year.  The same could be said about Oklahoma City in the West.  They are definitely the favorites on making it back to the championship.  For Dallas to compete with OKC, they have to sign Deron Williams very soon.

                            (Chill out Juwan Howard)

NBA Draft Preview

There is no doubt the the Hornets are taking Anthony Davis (C Kentucky) with the #1 pick.  After that, who knows.  This draft has a lot of potential superstars, as well as a lot of potential momos.

Some notables to watch out for.

For the #2 pick, the horrific Bobcats will either take Bradley Beal (PG Florida) or Michael Kidd-Gilchrist (G Kentucky) or trade down.  Either way, this draft was another failure for the Jordan and the Bobcats as they once again missed the #1 pick. 

Andre Drummond (C UConn) is the big mystery of this draft. At 6’11, he’s got as much of an upside as Anthony Davis, but he’s raw, and needs the right place where he can grow. 

Thomas Robinson (PF Kansas) is sure top 5 pick.  He was one of the best players last year.  This kid is tough.  I think he will be a star in the league, as  long as the Bobcats don’t draft him.

Austin Rivers (G Duke), son of Celtics coach Doc Rivers, is an interesting mid round prospect.  A great shooter and ball handler.

The Mavs are in a interesting spot at the #17 pick.  Mav’s are in the market for a point guard or a big man.  Possible selections include Kendall Marshall (PG North Carolina) or Perry Jones (SF/PF Baylor)

                                         MMA

UFC on FX Results

Gray Maynard def Clay Guida (by split decision, Lightweight)

Clay Guida is known for his unbelievable bloody slugfests, and crazy long hair, but not on this night.  The entire fight was Maynard coming forward and swinging and Guida straight dancing.  The fight’s only real highlight was Maynard dropping his hands and asking Guida to punch.  Maynard was very frustrated with Guida’s constant moment.  Despite the frustration, Maynard still won the fight by split decision.  Maynard is now back in the mix for another title shot.

Notables

Cub Swanson def Ross Pearson (KO Round 2, Featherweight)

Sam Stout def Spencer Fisher ( by decision, Lightweight)

UFC 147 results

Rich Franklin def Wanderlei Silva ( by decision, 190 catchweight)

A great fight, that saw Silva come close to finishing Franklin in the 2nd round.  However, Franklin survived, and came back in the 3rd like fucking Savage on a mission.  Silva seemed to be out of gas, and Franklin finished with the decision.

Fabricio Werdum def Mike Russow (1st rd TKO, Heavyweight)

I took a long shot and picked the fat dude , and the fat dude lasted about 1 minute, before getting absolutely destroyed.  Note to self: don’t pick the fat guy anymore.

Notables

Rony Jason def Godofredo Pepey ( Ultimate Fighter Brazil winner, Featherweight)

                                      Baseball

The Rangers are back to kicking ass and taking name, despite key injuries to Colby Lewis  and Derrick Holland.   It’s always nice when you can play Detroit without facing Verlander.

Cuban born center fielder Leonys Martin made his debut with the Rangers.  This kid looks like a great future prospect.  Great speed.  Keep a look out for him.

Roy Oswalt made his return back to the majors in nice fashion, getting the 2nd win and striking out 6 against Detroit last night.  With Texas starter’s facing the injury lately, Oswalt’s importance grows. 

Yu Darvish joined Matt Harrison picking up his league tying 10th win along with 10 strikeouts against Prince Fielder and the Tigers.Yu is now a possible All-Star selection.  Fuck you Yakuza dudes.

                                      Football

Quarterback Preview

                                              “Alllllll Right!”

Tony Romo

If pressure was a cold cut combo, Subway would be out of business because it’s raining cold cuts on Tony Romo all day. The offensive is still question mark.  Tony was one pass to Miles Austin away from being in the playoffs last year.  Oh yea the team that beat us that day, New York Giants, ended up winning a little game called the Super Bowl.  Romo’s success lies with his offensive, which outside of Tyrone Smith, is pretty suspect.  Will see if Tony can stay in one piece for the season.

Kyle Orton

I really like this free agent pick up by the Cowboys.  After Jon Kitna retired the Cowboys had to find another real deal backup, and they couldn’t have done better.  Orton signed a three- year, 10.5 million contract with the Cowboys.  Pretty pricey for a backup quarterback, which could be a clue that if Romo’s job as this team starter isn’t completely safe.

Stephen McGee

Yea, McGee is still around picking up checks, but they may not last.  The Cowboys have been somewhat disappointed with his improvement, so they signed Rudy Carpenter to compete with him for the 3rd QB spot.

Rudy Carpenter
You might remember this dude from his days at Arizona State or when the Cowboys signed .  Well, the dream is still alive, as the the Cowboys will give him another opportunity to make this team.

This is it.  The Future is now.  

                             Don’t Blow It!

I’m sorry I should have finished this on Monday, but my daughter’s daughter had a baby and I had to secretly sell the baby on the Chinese black market.  I don’t care what people think of me, those people are hungry.

                                  Basketball

NBA Championship

Oklahoma City Thunder vs Miami Heat (1-3 )

So the Lebron haters are staring at each other like somebody just farted under the covers because Lebron is finally playing well in Championship moments. 

The real reason Lebron is owning this series is looking at Durant’s stats. (Mainly shots attempted.  The Thunder are forced to have Westbrook take more shots.  Westbrook has been amazing this series, all up until the last 13 seconds of game 4, when he forgot that there was only 5 seconds left on the shot clock, and fouled imediatley on the inbound pass.  The foul ended up costing the Thunder a chance of winning game for and set the series to 3-1 Heat.

James Hardin has been a no show for most of this series.  In the past he was the guy who would come off the bench and spark the Jays in some poor mofos face, but not in this series, and after a rough practice yesterday he may be hurt for game 5.

If the Thunder have any chance of coming back in this series, Kevin Durant is going to have take more than just 20 shots.  We’ll see Thursday.

                                    Hockey

LA Kings are the Stanley Cup Champions

Look, you may not be a fan of hockey, and that’s cool.  I could only name about 10 players at the beginning of the season, and it turns out 8 or them had been retired since ‘98.  However, after these playoffs I am back on the Hockey train. 

Dallas barely missed out on the 8th spot on the playoffs.  The team that got that spot instead was the LA Kings.  Led by the goaltending of Jonathan Quick and team captain Dustin Brown, the Kings dominated in the playoffs.  The New Jersey Devils gave the Kings a run in the Stanley Cup finals, but a 5:00 minute major early in the 1st period of game 6 led to the Kings scoring 3 power play goals and winning their 1st Stanley Cup.

“Knowin’ nothing in life but to be legit  Don’t quote me, boy, ‘cause I ain’t said sh*t”

                                         MMA

UFC on FX Preview  (Friday, June 22)

Clay Guida vs Gray Maynard

Both these guys have been right on the door of a Lightweight Championship, but haven’t quite got through that door.  Maynard had back to back title fights.  First a draw with the champion Frankie Edgar and in the rematch he was Edgar knocked him out.  Guida slowed down the Anthony Pettis train, but couldn’t do the same to Ben Henderson, losing a decision.  This should be a great matchup of two high level wrestlers.  If I had to pick a winner, it would be Maynard by decision.

UFC 147 Preview (Saturday, June 23)

Wanderlei Silva vs Rich Franklin (Catchweight of 190 lbs.)

The rematch from UFC 99, where Franklin won by a close decision. The original fight was supposed to be Silva vs Vitor Belfort , but Belfort was injured during training camp, so Franklin stepped in as a replacement.  Both these guys are well past their prime of competing for championships.  This might be a fight where the loser should think strongly about hanging it up.  My prediction, Wanderlei Silva the winner by TKO.

Mike Russow vs Fabrico Werdum (Heavyweight)

Werdum looked scary when he destroyed Roy “Big Country” Nelson, but Mike Russow is a tough mother fucker.  The dude may look a a Chicago cop who’s pounding doughnuts all day because that’s exactly what he does.  Oh yea, he also knocks dudes out for a living.  Werdum is the heavy favorite, but I think Russow is so underrated.  I’m picking Mike Russow in the upset special. Russow by knockout.

                                      Baseball

    ( We’re burning houses and banging women in sunny San Diego.)

The Rangers got back on the right track with winning 5 of 6 last week.  The pitching, which looked like Joan River’s face, pumped up the botox and struck out the competition.  Colby Lewis is finally delivering the goods.   The new kid, Justin Grimm looked great Saturday,striking out 7, with no walks, while getting the win against the Astros in his major league debut.  Hamilton returns today after week off with a stomach virus

Most importantly my boy Yu Darvish is back and is looking good. He struck out 11, in his win against the Astros.  His record now is 8-4, and I got a little more breathing room against the Yakuza mofos.

                                      Football

Running Backs Preview

DeMarco Murray (RB)

After Felix Jones went down last year Demarco Murray stepped in and and proved himself to be the new starter moving forward with this team.  He broke the Cowboy’s record for rushing yards in a game with 253 yards on 25 carries against the St. Louis Rams.  Unfortunately, his sensational season until it ended after 13 games, with a fractured ankle.  Now fully healthy, and with a new weapon at full back (Vickers), Murray’s numbers should be up this next year.

Felix Jones (RB)

Felix may not be the next great running back that Jerry was hoping for, but he still a playmaker and good role player in the Cowboys’ dynamic offense.  When healthy, he’s a gamebreaker, who is dangerous with open space. 

Lawrence Vickers (FB)

During the offseason the Cowboys quietly signed one of the NFL’s top fullbacks with Vickers.  Vickers helped give his former team, the Houston Texans, one of the top running games in the league the last few years, so hopefully he should do the same for the Boys.

Phillip Tanner

Tanner is the favorite for the Cowboys 3rd spot at running back.  He had a little playing time last season.  You may remember him most from his preseason helmetless run.

Lance Dunbar

Rookie from the University of North Texas, where he had three seasons with at least 1,000 rushing yards. Short at 5’9, but quick.  Could give Tanner a real challenge for the job.

Go For the Gold Brah

This is the championship time of the year.  The time of year where the champions separate from those pretenders. 

                                    Basketball

NBA Championship Preview

Miami Heat vs Oklahoma City Thunder

It’s is on.  King James versus the Durantualla for all the marbles.  This is why we watch this.  To found out what is it that makes somebody great.  What is it? Well,  it’s about going against somebody else who’s great and slaying that fucking dragon for the world to see.  It’s Ali vs Frazier, Bird vs Magic,  USA vs Russia, Peter Venkman vs Stay Puff Marshmellow Man, Lavern vs Shirley.

  (Give me a fucking break already! Jesus Christ, are we gonna do this every time?)

For me, I think this match-up is pretty even with the big names, so it is going to come down to the role players.  I think Serge Ibaka is the x-factor in this series.  If you remember last year, the Maverick’s Tyson Chandler controlled the Heat by keeping those easy baskets out of the paint.  Ibaka will have to do the same and make Miami take jump shots.  I think Miami needs to play perfect to beat this Thunder team because the Thunder are too diverse as far as playing fast or big.  They also have a much deeper bench than the Heat.  My prediction: Oklahoma City Thunder in 5.

                                      Hockey

Stanley Cup Finals

LA Kings vs New Jersey Devils (3-2)

Don’t call it a comeback, but the Devils have won a couple of games and they got a chance to even it up tonight in LA.  Not since the Toronto Maple Leafs 70 years ago, has any hockey team come back from 3-0 to win the cup, but New Jersey has got a shot.

In game 5, Zach Parise finally got a goal, and Marty Brodeur continued to play like a fucking 40 year old legend.  For the first time in these playoffs LA has lost 2 games in a row, and what seemed like a sure sweep, is now back to real fight for the cup.

           ( New Jersey is in the building; hide your wallet and your vagina. )

                                         Boxing

Timothy Bradley def Manny Pacquiao (by BULLSHIT decision for the WBO Welterweight Title)

If you picked Bradley to win this fight, then you got some explaining to do the FBI because that shit was more rigged than Stallone’s “Over the Top”.  Pacquiao had this dude falling all over the place with that straight left, all night.  I don’t think anyone thought this fight was even close.  Anyone except the Nevada’s dumb-ass judges, who gave this fight to Bradley.  So now we do it all over again, and everybody gets another fat check, and yea… fuck you boxing.  Thanks for ruining a sport I loved.

(Of coarse that shit wasn’t rigged.  This mofo is already just holding a huge fucking ticket to the rematch.  I guess, whatever.)

                                      Baseball

                                                ( Shit is getting serious.)

I hope you’re still not believing this is the greatest team of all time.

Don’t look, but the Ranger’s starting pitching is falling apart.  Yesterday we had Alexi Ogando starting because Holland and Feliz are injured, and wouldn’t you know it Ogando pulls his groin on a run to first base.  This trip to Cali kicked our ass. Rangers got 2 out of 3 against San Francisco, but the Angels and A’s took 5 out of 7 games from us.  That team, the Rangers, who you told me was the best team ever as we smoked that jay under that bridge, is now just 3 games ahead of the Angels.  And I trusted you.

As for Yu Darvish, he got rocked in the 5th inning in his game against Oakland, and is still feeling soreness in his back, which might bump his next start to Thursday against the Diamondbacks.  The Yakuza are now all over me, trying to shake me down for whatever nickel and dime I got.  I need Yu now, like more than ever before.

  (Now I got to deal with this dude just straight invading my space everyday.)

                                       MMA

UFC on FX 3 Review

Demitrious Johnson def Ian McCall ( by decision, semi-final Flyweight Tournament)

This fight really was never that close.  McCall picked up and slammed Johnson  once, but for the most part, “Mighty Mouse” Johnson owned this fight on the feet.  He used great foot work to frustrate McCall, and to avoid the clinch. Johnson is now scheduled to fight Joseph Benavidez for the Flyweight (125 lbs) Championship.

Eric Silva def Charlie Brenneman (by 1st Rd sub)

Man, if you haven’t seen this new Brazilian, Eric Silva, you got to check up on this kid.  Everyone thought a aggressive wrestler like Brenneman would give this kid trouble, but that was major incorrect idea.  Silva showed off his ground game by chocking out Brenneman in the 1st round.

Notables

Mike Pyle KOs Josh Neer.

Mike Pierce wins a descion against Carlos Rocha

Eddie Wineland KOs Scott Jorgenson

                                      Football

Wide Receiver Preview

( T.O. and Ochocinco now have more time for each other.  It turns out they are big fans of the deep inside sports.)

The Dallas Cowboys receiving crew may look weak to some, but I think it will have some special surprises in store.  Everyone is worried because the Cowboys don’t have a 3rd receiver right now after Dez and Miles.  We were in this exact spot last year, and the Cowboys signed Laurent Robinson in September, who went on to have an spectacular season with 11 touchdowns.  They’re still many free agent receivers available, however the Cowboys may chose stay in house to find their #3 man.

Dez Bryant

This is the year we find out if Dez is really a big deal or just another regular man walking among us.  According to the staff, Dez is in much better shape he was than last year, where he looked to take off plays during the game.  Also, Jerry has told the media that he would like to see Bryant returning more punts this year. So look for that, or don’t. It’s whatever.

Miles Austin

Possibly the most important piece in Dallas’ offense, as was seen when he was injured last year.  Austin hasn’t really matched his break out 2009 season, as injuries have .slowed him down.  This season might be his last to prove otherwise.

Kevin Ogletree

Ogletree was on the way to being the #3 man last year, until Dallas signed Robinson. Ogletree, who hasn’t  quite lived up to expectations, has the most experience of any reserve  so he may get another shot at the Cowboys 3rd receiver spot.

Dwayne Harris

Has impressed coaches playing the slot position, but has been a disappointment on special teams.

Danny Coale

The 5th round draft pick was looking good until he got hurt and will miss the off-season.  Hopefully he will return by the end of training camp.

Andre Holmes

The undrafted free agent has been making an impression on special teams.  Apparently Jerry really likes this kid, so don’t be surprised to see him in the game a few times this year.

 Guess Again Sucka

(Maybe it’s time to readjust your predictions or become a wussbag meteorologist)

                                     Basketball

Thunder vs Spurs (2-2)

The Spurs went into OKC with a 20 game win streak, and we thought Euroball was the new Justin Beiber.  Then Mr. Ibaka quietly let us know that this is for freedom from the socialist Euroball agenda, and then went on an 11 for 11 shooting rampage, that David Koresh called unforgiving.  Now back to San Antonio, were Durantula and Co. finish these Euro fools.

Celtics vs Heat (2-2)

The Celtics really appreciated the refs giving the first 2 games to the Heat. The Celtics really appreciated you counting them out. So much so, that Rajon Rondo turned into the best point guard since fucking Fat Lever, and just started slaying mother fuckers in the lane like a savage.  The pressure is now on that gimpy alien looking fool Bosh to give the Heat some kind of pressance down low.  Otherwise, it’s just gonna be weird ass reactions on the bench.

                                                  (WTF)

Draft Lottery

The New Orleans Hornets won the draft lottery, guranteeing them the opportunity to draft the Kentucky phenom with the unabrow Anthony Davis.  Everybody is calling it rigged to help out the formally NBA owned Hornets, but I don’t care.  If you’re a Mavs fan, you’re just happy the Nets didn’t get a top three pick because their pick automatically now goes to the Portland Trailblazers, which makes Deron Williams a little more likely to look at Dallas as a possible new venture.

                                       Hockey

Stanley Cup Finals

New Jersey Devils vs LA Kings (0-2)

The Kings D are all up in Kovalchuck’s shit, giving him only one shot in game 2, and the Devils are getting nothing out of Zach Parise on the other side.

If you’re just figuring this out by now, the LA Kings are pretty fucking terrific.  Rookie defenseman Slava Voynov is becoming a star in the finals.  LA’s captain Dustin Brown has been an absolute beast in these playoffs.  Finally, they got the premier goaltending from Jonathan Quick.  I don’t see how New Jersey climbs back in this thing, especially after losing the first two games at home.

                                        MMA

Ultimate Fighter Finale Review

Martin Kampmann def Jake Ellenberger TKO Rd2

This was an interesting fight.  An extremely important fight for both fighters.  Ellenberger came out like he always does, fucking destroying Kampmann.  However, Kampmann has been in this spot many times, so he just played it cool.  Then the 2nd round came and he was tired Ellenberger’s shit, so he put a few knees into Ellenberger’s head, and sent him off welterweight contender mountain. 

Michael Chiesa def Al Iaquinta Sub Rd1 (Ultimate Fighter Lightweight winner)

To be honest I only watched a few episodes of this season of the Ultimate Fighter, so I couldn’t give much deep reflection, but the super mountain man looking Chiesa looks like a beast at lightweight.

UFC on FX 3 Preview

Demetrious “Mighty Mouse” Johnson vs Ian “Uncle Creepy” McCall  (Flyweight)

This fight is a rematch their fantastic fight ruled a draw from UFC on FX 2.  Look, if you haven’t seen the flyweights, you should.  These dudes can fly.  Take a bong rip and watch the fucking Matrix unfold.  My prediction:  “Mighty Mouse” delivers the goods and wins a close fight by decesion.

Eric Silva vs Charlie Brenneman  (Welterweight)

The welterweight division has basically become the country Mexico or the most dangerous place on Earth.  The youngsters are taking over the seen.  The next guy to watch out for is the Brazilian sensation Eric Silva.  This Silva knocks this jokester out in the 1st round, for the crazy City of God hoodlums.

                                   Baseball

( Is this the most non-heterosexual thing you have ever seen?  Travolta loves it.  #Bath Salts)

Thank god the Rangers won that game yesterday.  It was a tough week for Rangers fans.  We lost 4 games in a row.  And remember the good old days when the Angels were sucking at life.  Well they’re over.  Now the Rangers are only 4.5 games up on Angels.  After Darvish lost, I had to turn off my phone to avoid the Yakuza harassment, but I’m still behind Yu.  The kid is fucking special, and the world and yakuza mother fuckers will know!

Harrison quietly kicking ass and winning his 7th game.  Oh, and did you see what Nelly Cruz did to that fucking ball.  The ball is in fucking in Tejuana and it already has 5 kids. Enjoy the glory, but the battle continues as we take it to the Bayarea to face Oakland and San Francisco. 

                                   Football

Offensive Line Preview

(Whether Tony Romo is drinking macaroni through a straw is up to these guys.)

With the veteran guard Kyle Kozier leaving, the offense line becomes more of a mystery of future greatness and more dudes who probably banged my ex-girlfriend.  I don’t know what to make of this.  It’s not good, but it may not be as bad as last year. 

Tyron Smith (T)

If there is anyone with some pressure on them, it’s Tyron Smith.   The 21-year old’s job will consist of guarding the NFL’s best pass rushers which makes up of most of the NFC East, with players like Jason Pierre-Paul, Justin Tuck, Osi Umenyiora, Jason Babin, Trent Cole and Bryan Orakpo. If Tyron Smith is gonna have the break out year, please god let it be this one.

Doug Free (T)

The 28-year old veteran is the oldest player on the offensive line.  He’s been a mediocre player so far in his career.  With Tyron Smith now taking the right spot, Free has been moved to the left side of the line.  Let’s hope he doesn’t get Tony killed, like last year.

Mackenzy Bernadau (G)

A free agent that was meant to help out a suspect guard position.  However, Bernadau recently had hip surgery and will probably be out for the entire offseason.

Nate Livings (G)

Another free agent pick up. Another dude to fill an empty hole.  Kind of like Kanye West.

Phil Costa (C) 

If you still got your Phil Costa Bighead poster on your wall, congrats.  The mofo is back
and he’s pissed.  

Everybody else is probably banging my ex as we speak, until they prove it to me otherwise.

        Better Late Than Never

Sorry for posting this week’s entry so late.  So much stuff came up, and by that I mean absolutely nothing came up.  Weed smoke and Bel Biv Devoe took up all my time.   I hope you can find a place deep inside your dark, evil, shitty ass heart to forgive me.  I’m only human. 

                                      Basketball

West

Thunder vs Spurs (0-2)

So Euroball is getting nasty on that ass.  Getting all greasy and wearing speedos and just getting up in that ass.  The Thunder’s ability to find a way to keep the Euro taint exposure at a minimum has yet to be seen.  Spurs have won 20 games in a row.  I predicted OKC would win this, but after it got so nasty, I don’t know what to think.  I feel Thunder will rebound, but it won’t be enough to contain the Euro stench.  Spurs in 7.

(Fucking disgusting to say the least.  What an awful attempt at seduction. )

East

Celtics vs Heat (0-2)

I think the dude who ate the other dude’s face was just misunderstood.  He probably was just minding his own business walking down the road naked having dreams of Bird and McHale slamming it home winning championships, and then some dude walked up and told him how bad Lebron and Wade waxed that ass, and he was all, “Oh yea, now I’m gonna eat your face.”  Let’s not jump to conclusions on the bath salt sniffing zombie dude, but you can jump to conclusions on this series because it’s looking like the Heat got it.  Heat in 5.

                                           MMA

UFC 146 Review

Junior Dos Santos def Frank Mir Rd 2 TKO

Although Frank made it to the 2nd round, this was pretty much over about 10 seconds in the fight when Frank tried everything to get Junior down, but it wasn’t even close.  From then on Frank was forced to fight Junior on the feet, where he got butchered.

Cain Velasquez def Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva Rd 1 TKO

If there was statement to be made during UFC 146 it was definitely that Cain Velasquez is ready for another shot at the champion Junior Dos Santos.  It took him about 5 seconds to get Bigfoot on the ground and then came one the of the most grusome beat downs I’ve ever seen.

Roy “Big Country” Nelson def Dave Herman R1 KO

This fight lasted all but a minute.  Pee Wee through a few kicks and Big Country was all like “What?” “Really?” and then through the wicked haymaker into Herman’s cranium “Big Country style” with the fixens and everything.

Notables:

Stephen Struve submits Lavar Johnston.  Skyscrapper feeling the flow.

Jamie Varner knocks out Edwin Barbosa- biggest upset maybe ever.

Dan Hardy KOs Duane Ludwig and saves his UFC career.

Jayson Mayhem Miller ( host of MTV’s Bully Beatdown) lost and was then cut from the UFC.  So sometime soon you might here about him living on the street our being found face down in a roadside ditch.

What next

For Junior Dos Santos, it’s pretty much a no brainer, especially after Velasquez utterly and completely smashed Bigfoot’s face.

For Frank Mir, well if you saw Brock Lesnar in the audience, that might tell you something.  Can you say rubber match?

Cain Velasquez - Do I got to repeat myself ? Get it together, he’s fighting Dos Santos. 

Ultimate Fighter Finale Preview ( Fri June 1 )

Martin Kampmann vs Jake Ellenberger (Welterweight)

An absolute fantastic main event tomorrow night.  The welterweight division has quickly become one of the toughest divisions in the UFC.  With GSP out with an injury and Carlos Condit waiting for his return, the next in line is quickly getting crowded.  The winner of this fight should be extremely close to the next title shot.  I figure the winner will probably face Jonny Hendricks.  My prediction:  This sport tends to favor the wrestler.  Jake Ellenberger is arguably one of the best wrestlers in the UFC.  So with that said, I predict he wins a close fight by decision.

                                         Hockey

Stanley Cup Finals

LA Kings vs New Jersey Devils  (1-0)

Everyone is talking about this series as the battle of the goalies.  LA’s new star Jonathan Quick vs one the all time greats New Jersey’s Martin Brodeur.  Actually, this is a matchup of LA’s explosive offense led by Dustin Brown against the Devils classic rough and smart defense. 

  (If you wear jorts with your hockey jersey, you just might be from New Jersey.)

LA was the #8 seed going into the playoffs, but they’ve fucked up everybody in their path, only losing 1 game, and New Jersey was a #6 seed.  That’s like the Utah Jazz playing the Orlando Magic in the NBA finals this year.  That’s hockey for you. 

As for the series, LA won game 1 in exciting overtime with a goal from Anze Kopitar ( check out the stats if you don’t believe me…asshole.) My prediction:  LA is just too fucking hot, right now.  Quick ( LA’s goalie)  is the new dream weaver, and I think he can get you through the night, but that’s just my opinion.

                                        Baseball

Rangers owned the Blue Jays.  However, we have a little trouble with grunge kids from Seattle.  How about 21 runs gave up yesterday.  Seriously Holland?  What happened? Life was great, you’re pitching in the World Series, people love you’re molester mustache, and then you got to fuck it all up by getting married.  Rangers need to can this sucker, and can him soon.  Marriage is for suckers who live in permanent loserville.  Just ask Tiger Woods or ask Tony Romo in a few years, how it worked out for him.  Take a note guys.

 (I’m serious when I ask “Is this mother fucker serious?”  No stash = No talent)

Actually to be honest, I think the blowout was good for the Rangers.  We’ve been owning shit all season, and sometimes you need a reminder that the TRIX ain’t for fucking kids.  Darvish had me worried with last week lose against the Mariners , but he played decent last Sunday, before leaving with a strained back. I was a little worried what the Yakuza might do to me, but I played a little Lee Greenwood “God Bless America”, thought about the American war machine, and now I’m back to feeling confident about my bet. 

                                       Football

( Remembering 2011: Did 9/11 happen, or did Dallas just blow another game?)

Secondary preview

Without a doubt the Cowboy’s greatest improvement this offseason has been the secondary.  Time after time last year teams took advantage of our weak secondary, as was evident in our 4th quarter leads we continually gave up. The improvement will hopefully give the defense more time to pressure the QB, which will lead to more turnovers, which will lead to happy times for Big D, which will lead to your girlfriend waiting until February to tell you she is cheating on you.

( No more Terence Newman: underachieving in life’s most appropriate times to achieve. )

Brandon Carr (CB)

The Cowboys biggest free agent this year was picking up the former Chief cornerback Brandon Carr.  He’s a diverse corner who can tackle and cover with 39 solo tackles and 4 picks last year.

Morris Claiborne (CB)
Dallas’ 1st round draft pick from LSU.  This guy was a ball hawk at LSU and will hopefully be the answer to Dallas’ problem of covering receivers, which turns out is kinda important to winning.  Their will be a lot of hype on this kid to perform well early, but like Axel Rose said “you just need a little patience… yeaaaaah yeaa.”

Mike Jenkins (CB)
After trading up to the 14th pick and drafting Claiborne, all eyes were on what the Cowboys would do with Mike Jenkins.  He was a break out star his rookie season, but injuries have slowed down the 5-year veteran.  Just recently, Jerry said the Cowboys had no interest of trading Jenkins and really there no reason to.  The guy is more valuable on the field than trading him for a 7th round draft pick.

Orlando Scandrick (CB/S )
With the once weak corner position becoming a little more crowded, what happens to Scandrick?  The Cowboys signed this  dude to a 5-year, $27 million clams last year.  ($10 mil. which is guaranteed…”ouch.”)  Dallas has said they plan on playing Scandrick at possibly a hybrid position of corner/ safety.

Brodney Poole (S)
The Cowboys signed this dude in the offseason.  He was a decent player for the Jets last year, but far from spectacular.  Don’t be expecting this dude to be Ronnie Lott our there.  Just be happy he ain’t Alan Ball.

Gerald Sensabaugh (S)
This guy has become a staple member of the Cowboy’s weak ass secondary.  He did have 75 tackles last year, but I think he was the only dude playing defense last season.

Barry Church (S)
Barry is a good kid.  I hope life works out for him.

                               It’s Time

You better get them bacon bits and put em all over that salad because it’s crunch time.  If you’re a Dallas Mavericks fan, you’re breaking out the bleeze because we’re on the extended chill.  Hey who cares, we got the best baseball team, right?

                                    Basketball

(Leave a message after the beep.)

West

Thunder vs Lakers (3-1)

Lakers are on the ropes tonight.  They’re tired, they’re bleeding, but they’re still in there.  “Staying Alive” like the Bee Gees,…. oh wait.  The nerd patrol are owning this series.  They look for the death blow tonight.

(If 1992 black man knew what the look 2012 black man would be going for, they might have rioted, …..oh wait.)                                                                                                                                

Spurs vs Clippers (4-0 )

High fives for great fundamental basketball.  I love watching the two hand bounce pass.Hey lets drink some Sunny D,talk about our favorite Bible quotes, and judge marijuana smokers.  Radical dude. Fuck you, San Antonio.  When Ambein can’t sleep, it watches Spurs basketball.

East

Heat vs Pacers (2-2)

If you didn’t know already, I picked the Pacers to win the East.  Everyone was calling me fucking ridiculous and an alcoholic, but now y’all see what I was talking about. Yesterday the Heat got Hibbert in foul trouble, got to the basket repeatedly and tied the series back up.   Do you think I’m fazed?  Shhhhhhhhhhhhhit.  Pacers still got this.

( Sometimes it amazes me that he is a real human being in real life.)                                                                                                                          Celtics vs 76ers (2-2)

Look, I got to be honest.  I’ve watched about 5 minutes of this series.I think I’m afraid the herpes is going to come right through the T.V. I really could care less who wins because the winner is gonna get trounced by the Indiana kids anyway. 

                      ( Flava Flav has just given up I guess. )                                                                                                                                                                                      MMA

Jon Jones DUI

Yes, the Light Heavyweight champion guy with the squeky clean image, who devotes his fights to Jesus, and the children, and blah blah blah, got arrested for suspition of driving while intoxicated, after he crashed his Bentley into a pole.  Am I surprised? Fuck no!  Anybody who you think has that perfect image is fake, and they’re probably banging kids when you’re not around.  Who knows what skeletons he’s got in his closet.  I guess he’ll just have to be reborn again or some shit like the fucking Terminator.

( Jon Bones Jones going down hill fast.  He straight turned into a washed up Coolio. )

UFC on Fuel 3 results

Korean Zombie def Dustin Poirier by submission (Featherweight)

Holy shit was I wrong about the main event between Dustin Poirier and the Korean Zombie.  The Zombie is fucking for real.  He continued to pressure Poirier the whole fight until the 4th round when Poirier finally ran out of the Zombie killing juice and got chocked out.  Now the Zombie is looking like the next in line for the featherweight title (currently held by Jose Aldo.)

Donald Cerrone def Jeremy Stephens by decision (Lightweight)

Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone got back to kicking ass.  He completely owned Jeremy Stephens in their lightweight bout.  Cerrone now needs a big name to fight.  How about Anthony Pettis (remember him?)

UFC 146 preview ( Saturday, May 26)

Junior Dos Santos vs Frank Mir (Heavyweight Championship)

 So I’m a little pissed that I’m not watching Overeem in this fight, but Frank Mir is great replacement.  His last fight against Big Nog was fucking insane.  However, with that said,  he will be sooooo knocked out Saturday night.  Snot bubbles guaranteed people.  Dos Santos KO Round 1                                                                                                                                              Cain Velasquez vs Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva (Heavyweight)

      I swear I saw these dudes fight in “Apocalypto.”  I see a pretty one sided fight here.  Bigfoot is too slow, and Cain is too relentless.  I see Cain punching this dude in the face a lot.  I see Cain throwing this dude on the ground and punching his face a lot.  I see Cain owning this dude’s whole world, and punching him in his huge face a lot.  My prediction: Velasquez by TKO round 2.                                                                                                                                    Roy “Big Country” Nelson vs Dave “Pee Wee”Herman (Heavyweight)

  Big Country is back and he is fighting a dude called Pee Wee?  Yeah, fucking right.  Who does this clown think he is.  My prediction: 3 rounds of fucking destruction on a fucking Pee Wee.  Big Country, winner in a lot of ways, but in this, winner by decision.                                                                                                                                                    Baseball

So the Ranger’s have come back to Earth a little these last few weeks.  Everybody was wanting to call them the greatest team since the ‘98 Yankees.  First off, don’t ever compare my team to those turkeys in New York, second it’s only May, so lets relax a little bit.  We got a ways to go, but so far so good.

Micheal Young has been pretty shitty as of recent.  However,  Washington continues to play the veteran in hopes that his swing will finally come around.  I don’t think the Rangers have a lot of options with.  Would you trust your kids with Mitch Moreland? I didn’t think so.

Mike Napoli is also playing pretty mediocre baseball.  No home-runs in the past 23 games, after he was off to the amazing start.

As for pitching, Colby Lewis finally had a great game yesterday.

Joe Nathan finally started playing good.

Holland and Feliz are struggling, which could lead to further talks with Roy Oswalt joining the team.

However, my man Yu Darvish continues to kick ass.  He is the leader in almost every pitching category for the Rangers.  My yakuza bets seem to really be paying off.  I thought gambling my fingers with them might be dangerous, but who needs fingers when you got Yu Darvish. He goes up against Ichiro and the Seattle Mariners tonight.  Actually, I like my fingers, so don’t cut them off please.

( I am straight taking EVERYTHING from the yakuza.  Mad mother fucking yen y’all! )

                                    Hockey

West

Kings vs Coyotes (3-1)

So the Coyotes finally got a win.  That’s fucking terrific.  So you’re gonna try to persuade me to think a hockey team from Phoenix is gonna be some kind of success story like the Mighty Ducks.  Yeah, too bad fucking LA’s goalie, Johnathon Quick, wrote this script. 

        ” I’m not a role model or a Dr. Seuss.  Yo, I’m a gangsta.”                                                                                                        East

Rangers vs Devils (2-1)

I have to make a correction on a prediction I made.  New York is winning this series.  Some lady dropped a roofie in my drink last week, and I thought New Jersey was the greatest place on Earth. It turns out New Jersey is not one of the greatest places on Earth .  In fact, it’s not even in the top 10.  I think I confused “greatest places” with “places likely to contract Hepatitis C. 

                                                                                                             Football  

Linebacker Preview

(  Demarcus Ware impregnating the offense.)                                                                                                                                    New additions:

Kyle Wilber (4th round draft pick)

Dan Conner (free agent)

Starters:

Demarcus Ware (OLB)

Fucking Count Sackula!

Anthony Spencer (OLB)

This is an interesting situation.  Spencer hasn’t quite lived up to his 1st round pick status, but Rob Ryan sees something in this kid, so he used the franchise tag to keep him around another year.  With the improved secondary, l think his stats will look a lot better this coming season.

Sean Lee (ILB)
Probably Dallas’ biggest surprise on defense last year and probably its biggest contributor.  

Dan Conner (ILB)

Dallas loved Sean Lee so much they went and signed his college teammate Dan Conner.  Sean said he modeled his game after Dan’s.  Let’s hope he wasn’t talking about modeling glue.

Notable contributors:

Bruce Carter (ILB)

Dallas’ 2011 2nd round draft pick.  He played 10 games last year before getting hurt.  Dallas expects this kid to be something special in the future,  in the mean time free agent Conner will hold it down.

Kyle Wilber (OLB)
The fourth round pick from Wake Forrest is looking good according to headquarters.  He is the insurance policy if Spencer just sucks it up.

Victor Butler (OLB)

The 2009 4th round pick has done well since changing from defensive end to outside linebacker.  Hopefully he can continue to look better, so I don’t look like a dumby for writing about him.

                                             (Actual team photo)

                                  Baseball

                                                                                                                                                     ( Biggest story in Austria since Schwarzenegger banged Stallone. )                                                                                                                                    Josh Hamilton is on another fucking planet right now.  In another dimension or some shit.  Look, I know crack cocaine is horrible and all, but Josh has become a true role model for the crackhead community. Dwight Gooden’s and Corey Haim’s poster are coming off my wall.  Nothing but Josh and Emelio Estavez for now.  Four homeruns in one game in Baltimore?  What?  Are you yankin my Franklyn? I thought that I was watching Can O’ Corn blasting balls in  Ken Griffey’s Major League Baseball on Super Nintendo.  Everyday this guy is proving why the Rangers should give in and sign him to whatever deal he wants. 

Yu destroyed the Angels the other night as CJ Wilson pussed out.  Every game Darvish gets better and the yakuza sweat more because they know that mega yen is coming my way.  It’s about winning, and I’m betting the farm that this kid is winning 20 games. 

Nellie  Cruz has finally got it going on, hitting a grand slam off Weaver and the Angels. Our lineup is fucking scary for opposing pitchers.  Just when one player starts to struggle, someone else steps up their game.   Fucking scary like the new Lisa Turtle.

                                      ( Did she bang Sammy Sosa?)

In the 3 game series, Pujols hit like a fucking bologna sandwich tastes.  I’m starting to actually feel sorry for this guy.  He’s a jacked up, millionaire Puerto Rican dude living in LA, but he’s playing like a skinny, poor Puerto Rican tranny living in New York City.  Angels are now 8 games back from us, where them lesser thans belong.

                                  Basketball

Mavs free agency

The ultimate reason Dallas lost this year was they were hoping to build a dream team in Dallas with Dwight Howard, Deron Williams and Dirk.  Unfortunately for the Mavs, Howard resigned with Orlando for an extra year.  However, Mavs still have a great chance to get Williams, mainly because the “Brooklyn” Nets still suck, he is a native of Dallas, and Mark Cuban will have a load of money to spend.  The Mavs may look to make a big trade to add a third star to entice Williams to come here.

            ( Does this man look like the future of something special?)

As far as big men in the free agency market, good fucking luck finding one.

The Mavs may try to make a move on Javale McGee or Roy Hibbert, (if Indiana doesn’t resign him first.)

( ESPN’s Chris Broussard is all over the Mav’s moves for next season.)                                                                                                                             Round 2 preview

West

Lakers vs Thunder

The future vs the past.  It is Duck Dynasty vs Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Justin Beiber vs  K Ci and Jojo.   Hologram Tupac vs dial up porn.  Basically, I like Durantualla over the Black Mamba (accused rapist).  OKC in 6. 

                                                                                                                           Spurs vs Clippers

This is a tough matchup for the Clippers.  Popovich is gonna load up on Chris Paul and force Griffin to make jump shots.  Team Euro is too strong.  Spurs in 5.  Euro ball is the new Schticky. 

                                                                                                                               East

Celtics vs 76ers (1-0)

The Celtics have proved me wrong since day one, but if there is another city that you’re more likely to be stabbed than find true love it’s Philadelphia.  It’s going to be a battle in this series.  A battle with the overwhelming stench of Herpecin and AXE deodorant.  I got Celtics in 7.

( Dr. J and Larry Bird, show how far race relations have come. )                                                                                                                                Heat vs Pacers (1-0)

If you know me, congratulations.  You might also have heard me mention that the Pacers are fucking for real  a few times.  They lost game 1 yesterday at Miami, but they looked really strong most the game.  Also with Bosh hurt with an abdominal strain,  Juwan Howard might have to show why he is the real leader on this Miami team.   My prediction: UPSET SPECIAL: the children in Indiana will finally get the food they desperately need according to the sad commercials with the sad kid eating what looks like mud.  Pacers to the rescue.  Pacers in 7.  No more kids eating mud. Believe it.

                                     Hockey

West

Coyotes vs Kings (0-1)

The biggest surprises in these playoffs are Phoenix and LA.  How do you care about hockey when you’re state is constantly on fire or busy deporting Mexicans?  The LA Kings were able to win game 1 thanks to the effort of Dustin Brown and the amazing goalie Johnathon Quick.  LA is now 9-1 in the playoffs.  They came out of nowhere and are now destroying everybody.  You gotta go with LA.  Their fucking hot, unlike the Angels.

                                          “They’re a finesse team”                                                                                                                                East

                                                                                                                       Rangers vs Devils

A classic match up.  The fans of these teams is where this battle will actually be fought. Fat, greasy guys named Tony go against some other fat, greasy guys named Tony.  It should be totally disgusting.  As for the game, I’m not betting against Marty Brodeur ever again unless I want to get thrown out of a moving car. Devils win in 7. 

                                                                                                                               “Hey Tony, did ja hea about de guy with de thing about de thing from de thing,  I think it was called Dama and Greg or somethin.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                    MMA                                                                                                                       

Nick Diaz is living up to his non-presence for important events, super stoner image, as he was a no show for his BJJ super fight with Braulio Estima over the weekend. What was supposed to be the biggest BJJ fight ever, was not to be, as Nick Diaz decided to not show up the day of the fight over issues concerning the weigh-in agreement.  Not good for a fighter trying to build an image as a responsible pot head.  Come on bro.  Millions of stoner kids look up to you.  Now you’re just another statistic. 

UFC On Fuel TV 3 (Tues, May 15) Preview:

Dustin Poirier  vs Korean Zombie (Featherweight)

                                                                                                                                       A big fight for the next in line for a title shot at featherweight.  ( Champion, Jose Aldo will defend his title against Eric Koch at UFC 149, July 21st.) The “Korean Zombie,” Chan Sung Jung definitely is tough, as he proved in his wars with Lenard Garcia and his 7 second KO of Mark Homonick, but I like Poirier in this because he fights smart.  He is not going to get in some slug fest with the Zombie.  He is gonna work the zombie with smart footwork and counter punches.  My prediction:  Poirier winner by decision.

Jeremy “Lil Heathen” Stephens vs Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone (Lightweight)

                                                                                                                                              This should be an interesting fight.  Both these guys never disappoint.  Cerrone is coming off a tough loss to Nate Diaz.  I think that loss really motivated him, and I think he is going to come out strong in the fight.  My prediction: Cerrone by submission in Round 3.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Football

Cowboys-Defensive Line Preview

The real question mark for this next season is the defensive line. Having a bad ass secondary should help the D-line with getting more time to get to the QB.   However, there was no real big free agent signings and only one defensive end drafted, with Tyrone Crawford.  I was looking over this list of defensive0ends we got and there are only a few names I recognize like Kenyon Coleman, Marcus Spears and Jason Hatcher, but besides that it’s pretty much mostly a long list of dudes that could have banged my ex girlfriend for all I know.  I don’t blame these guys because they still got a shot in life. I hope everything works out for everyone involved, except that whore.

Also defensive-end Sean Lissemore is someone to watch out for.  The 2010 7th round draft pick, got a lot playing time last year and was one of the biggest surprises on defense.  Hopefully, he will continue to get better. 

The truth is, with a 3-4 style defense, defensive-end just isn’t that important of a position, especially when you got a killer like Count Sackula aka Demarcus Ware “safely” shortening the lives of QBs .  The more important issue is nose tackle.  We got Jay Ratliff and some more guys (Josh Brent and Rob Callaway) who also probably banged my ex.  . Honestly, I’m not really satisfied with what Rob Ryan is going with here.  The defensive tackle is the key to unlock the magic underwear that Rob Ryan wears.  Shit stains is all I can see without a quality second guy to help out Ratliff.  Use the key Rob.

Don’t be surprised if the Cowboys trade Mike Jenkins for someone to help this weak ass defensive line.

Basketball

                                                                                                                                     So the Mavs are now no longer competing for the championship.  Not just that, we got swept the fuck up. So, now we’re just hanging out, checking out the scene, watching some Yu Darvish, feeling the breeze, waiting for death to take us.

This off-season for the Mavericks will be very interesting.  Who’s coming, who’s going?  Well, the evidence might lie with last year’s off season decision not to resign Chandler, Barea and Stevenson, all who were major contributors in their title run that year.   Cuban could have resigned one, if not a couple of those guys, but he went else where, and so did they.  As sad as it sounds, what appears to be happening could be the dismantling of the former championship team. 

(I guess Cuban has big plans with the hover hands.)

If anything stood out during this last series with the Thunder, it was that the Mavs looked really old.  In fact, 8 players are over 30 years old. So with that said, I doubt free agents, Jason Terry, and Jason Kidd are coming back. The Mavs will almost definitely use their amnesty clause to get rid of Haywood’s weak ass, and save about $27 million.  Also Vince Cater will most likely get his contract bought out, to save the Mavericks more cap space.  As for Marion, who knows, they might look to trade him in a package with Beaubois or Dominique Jones.  Basically, everyone not named Dirk might be hitting the road. 

But hey, at least we got that championship.  That wussbag, John Stockton can’t say that.

( Could Shawn Bradley be the Maverick’s baby Jesus and rise again to save the world?)

                                                                                                                             Besides the end to a dream, other basketball is happening:

West

Lakers vs Nuggets (3-1)

I like the Nuggets, but  the super drunk flooz walking out on to the court in the middle of the game?  Really? What the hell Denver?  Is this what this great city is about?  Did this lady not know Kobe Bryant is out there? Watching, in the shadows… because he’s a great player and he might get a cool dunk, that’s all I’m saying.  Besides that, Steve Blake and Co. are now in a 3-1 series lead over the Nuggets. 

Clippers vs Grizzlies (2-1)

Chris Paul is something amazing.  Every game the Grizzlies think they got this guy beat, then in the last three minutes he just finds a way to get his team going.  It’s about fucking positivity. Being clutch, and carving out your name on the tree of winners. 

(Marc Gasol’s ability to rise above the stink finger has yet to be seen.)                                                                                                                                     Spurs vs Jazz (3-0)

Look if you’re a Jazz fan, I don’t know what to say.  Your team is down 3-0 to San Antonio. I guess get ready for some action packed BYU football.  Go Cougars! Go Mormon?  Go Mayan zombies with laser beams?  I say, go with what’s in your heart, but remember, with hope there is possibility, except with your team. They’re fucking done.

East

Bulls vs 76ers  (1-3)

Rose is already done until possibly February. Now Noah is hurt. Jesus Christ, give these dudes a break, they just want to play some basketball.  There’s no need for such pain.  Meanwhile Spencer Hawes happened.  Chicago has got little to answer.  Sadness in the Windy City.

(Carlos Boozer knows it’s about not giving up, ever.)

                                                                                                                         Pacers vs Magic (3-1)

Indiana is my darkhorse in the East.  This team is tough and quick, like the lady who gives me the ice cream at Braums. I’m sticking with the Pacers to win the east. You better take notice.  Banana fudge y’all.

Heat vs Knicks (3-1)

So everybody for the Knicks has a blown out knee or severed a hand, but they still won a playoff game.  What the fuck Dallas.

Celtics vs Hawks (3-1) 

The Celtics got healthy. How is that possible in that city of scum?  They got Atlanta on the ropes.  Cue the Jerry Stackhouse comeback mix tape.  Oh, you gave it away.  Well that sucks for the Hawks.

                                                                                          MMA

UFC on FOX 3 Diaz vs Miller results:

Nate Diaz def Jim Miller by submission ( Lightweight divsion)

A big fight for the lightweight division. I underestimated Nate Diaz big time.  I had the always tough Jim Miller winning this fight by decision, but Diaz owned this fight from the beginning on the feet, in the clutch and at the end, in the 2nd round, on the ground as he chocked Miller the fuck out.  Now, Nate Diaz is being promised a title shot, (so much for Anthony Pettis).  Who would have thought that Nate would get a title shot before his brother Nick.

Johny Hendricks def Josh Koscheck by decision ( Welterweight division)

This was the fight I was most looking forward to.  It was a close fight, Koscheck did the better wrestling,but Hendricks got the best of the stand up.  The decision could of gone either way, but this time it went with Johny Hendricks.

Alan Belcher def Rousimar Palhares by TKO ( Middleweight division)

Despite his horrific Johnny Cash tattoo, I am a big Alan Belcher fan.  This was a fight where everybody felt Belcher’s only way on winning was on the feet, but he said fuck that I will go in this fool’s world and kick his ass there.  Palhares, known for being a fucking savage on the ground, had a chance to break off Belcher’s leg, but like I predicted, Belcher stayed calm and punched Palhares the fuck out.

Other notable fights:

Lavar Johnson knocking out Pat Berry.  Michael Johnson surprising newcomer Tony Ferguson and picking up a decision.  Also, fight of the night Louis Gaudinot coming back and finding the guillontine against John Lineker.  The flyweights are getting good.

What Could Be Next:

For the night’s big winner Nate Diaz, the UFC is already promising a title shot against the winner of the Ben Henderson, Frankie Edgar rematch.  Me personally, I would like to see him fight Anthony Pettis.  It would be a great match, and it would clear up some the traffic jam of lightweight contenders.

For Jim Miller, three fights ago he was on the door step of title contention.  Now he’s lost 2 out of his last 3, he is probably looking at the loser of the Donald Cerrone vs Jeremy Stephens fight on May 15.

For Johny Hendricks, he also was promised a shot at the welterweight title, but who knows when the hell GSP and Condit are gonna fight, so I see him more likely fight the winner of Ellenberger and Kampmann fight.

For Koscheck, probably the loser of the Ellenberger Kampmann fight.

For Alan Belcher, he kicking ass and deserves a big fight.  I like him fighting the winner of the Mark Munoz, Chris Wiedman fight.

                                                                                    Boxing

Floyd Mayweather Jr. vs Miguel Cotto ( WBA Super World Light Middleweight Title, whatever the hell that is.)

I don’t really talk about boxing a lot.  The sport is like my first girlfriend, who I loved dearly, and if then she became a super crack whore and demanded sex for $30 million dollars.  Well, that whore Mayweather got $32 million in this last fight against Miguel Cotto.  This fight had some interesting moments, and by interesting I mean Floyd getting punched a few times.  But really, this was the first time “Money” Mayweather looked like he had a real fight on his hands.  Of coarse he won the fight on a decision, as expected, but he didn’t dominate, as he usually does.

     (Let’s face it, randomness was the real winner.)                                                                                                                                    Of coarse I don’t care about this dude because he won’t fight Manny Pacquiao, but more than that, the dude totally stills his whole swag game from WWF’s Millon Dollar Man Ted Dibiase. 

                                                                                                                                    Hockey

Coyotes vs Predators (3-1)

Chris Smith is quietly saving shots and saving lives of deadbeat gamblers in Arizona. 

(If you didn’t get the memo, stay the fuck out of Arizona.)

                                                                                                                           Blues vs Kings (0-4)

Many weren’t expecting this.  St. Louis had the best record in the West, but they ran into the hottest team in the league.  If you didn’t know about Johnathon Quick (the goalie for LA), welcome to the club.  This dude came out of nowhere,and he got his team in the Western finals.

Rangers vs Capitals (2-2)

Well well well,  the Washington Capitals are back in this thing.  The Rangers have tried everything to stop Alexander Ovechkin including hitting him in the head with a stick.  This is gonna be an interesting series for sure.

(This dude straight don’t give a fuck about spreading rumors.)

                                                                                                                             Devils vs Flyers (3-1)

I was wrong on New Jersey’s goalie, Marty Brodeur. I was right , he is old, but the guy is a also a winner and I forgot that.  Sorry Marty.

                                                                                  Baseball

So the Rangers have gone on a little slump.  That’s cool.  Maybe we were getting a little over our heads after the amazing start, but we are back to the real deal now. And it is about to get real against the new #1 team in baseball. Who might that be?  If you would have guessed the Angels, you would be an idiot and a creep along with being completely wrong.  The best team right now is the Baltimore Orioles, son. So pick a wagon to get on board because it’s gonna be for more than pride this year.

Also, Darvish finally lost yesterday, but he still looked good doing it (11 strikeouts).  The yakuza gave me a call to a sure my funds were adequate.  Trust me, my funds are not adequate, but you know what is?  My confidence in Yu.  I’m doubling down.  Yea that’s right. Double the yen coming my way. It looks like possibly Friday, the real face- off happens.  Yu Darvish against former Ranger, C.J. “Penis Fart Breath” Wilson.  Should be fun for the whole family.

                                                                                  Football

Rookies reported to camp.

However, 1st round draft pick, Morris Claiborne will probably miss most of the off-season with a wrist injury.  Get well Morris.  Eat some green stuff, smoke some green stuff, and earn some green stuff. 

So the real question going into this next season is did our defense improve from the horrible spazz like embarrassment that let us down repeatedly last year ?  Well,  I can definitely say the secondary will be an improvement.  Adding Carr and Claiborne give us enough corners to go against anybody.  Jenkins give us a third corner, for Nickel situations.  The real question is what happens to Sensabaugh?  Does he move to safety?

At free safety, is Brodney Pool better than Abram Elam was?  Time will tell because I have no clue.

The real question is gonna be the defensive line, which I’ll dive into next week.

(Does Jerry have any idea where the fuck this bus is going?  Stay tuned.)

Also, in this week’s shitty news, one of the great linebackers of my time, Junior Seau died from an apparent self inflicted gunshot wound to the chest.  This is really, really bad news for the NFL.  The game was already dealing with cases of former players dieing young with brain damage.  This may now give the growing problem a big name so more people will be aware.  What is going to happen to this game?  I don’t want to watch professional flag football, but it’s looking that one day that could be the case.

Basketball

                                                                                                                                   Ok, so game 1 went to the Thunder.  I’m over it, but if you watched the whole game you saw the Mavs were in charge most of the time.  Look, I’m tired of hearing that the Mavs suck now because they don’t have Tyson Chandler.  Guess what people, Tyson Chandler didn’t guard Kobe, Durant or Lebron last year.  That job was usually left for Shawn Marion, and in game 1 of this years playoffs he did the same, as he owned Durant ( for at least up to the last few seconds of the game.) 

What I took from game 1

-The Oklahoma City Thunder are definitely beatable.

-Serge Ibaka might accidently kill a few people in this series.

-Never count out the Jet

-Please Vince  Carter, don’t try to dunk anymore.

-Would medical marijuana be enough for Michael J Fox to portray OKC’s coach Scott Brooks in a movie?

-Mahinmi is hanging tough inside the paint like Don Walberg.

                                                                                     -Dirk WILL play better, and hopefully it happens during this series.

- Don’t put a lot of stock in game 1 as an example of how this series might go.

1st round preview

Western Conference

Clippers vs Grizzlies

If you didn’t watch game 1 last night, shame to you and your family name.  Clippers down 21 points to start the 4th, came back to win.  Grizzlies looked like Drago from Rocky IV straight murdering Apollo Creed, but Vinny Del Negro ain’t no fucking Apollo Creed.  This will be a great series, but I don’t think Memphis will be able to come back in this series after such a devastating Game 1 lose.  Clippers in 7.

Nuggets vs Lakers

Bynum has become a freak.  He was killing greasers like C. Thomas Howell .  An order of 10 blocks with his Triple Double.  Lakers are looking dangerous.  I got Lakers in 5.

                  “Hey it’s ESPN’s Chris Broussard with his face painted black”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Jazz vs Spurs

Tony Parker is playing at an MVP level.  Tim Duncan is healthy.  Manu Ginobili is taking Euro-ball to the extreme.  Even though the Jazz are tough, they don’t got the Euro-ball expertise that San Antonio has.  Spurs sweep.

Eastern Conference

Celtics vs Hawks

I like Atlanta against Boston.  Atlanta is always underrated.  Also they got Jerry Stackhouse and Tracy McGrady coming off the bench. Name drop. The Celtics will follow the Bruins into oblivion of broken dreams, STDs and abusive step fathers that is the city of Boston.  The Red Sox are next.  Hawks in 6.

Bulls vs 76ers
Rose is done , so Chicago is done right?  Wrong,  I’m sorry, I mean 100% right.
Chicago might get passed Philli, but without Rose they got no chance.  Bulls in 7.

Heat vs Knicks
I thought the Miami, New York series was going to be good, but after watching game 1, “fa getta bout it”. (That’s my stupid New Yorker, probably named Tony impression.)   Lebron is playing like a man with a receding hairline,so he is on a mission.  Miami in 5.


Pacers vs Magic
I’ve been telling all the homeless kids, if you want to make it in this world, bet money on the Indiana Pacers.  Indiana lost game 1, and I’ve lied to kids before, but if I went against these kids this time, then I would be a fucking hypocrite in their eyes, and I’m just not going to do that.  Pacers in 5.  Pacers win the East.

                                                                                                                                                                                  Football

Dallas Cowboys 2012 Draft review

The 2012 NFL Draft had some big surprises.  Lots of trades. Maybe the biggest was the move Dallas made, to trade away it’s 1st and 2nd round draft picks to the Rams for the 6th overall pick in the draft, where they took the explosive, nonacademic scholar, LSU cornerback, Morris Claiborne.  Also the Jags moved up to get the Oklahoma State receiver Justin Blackmon.  My man DeCastro fell all the way to 24 to the dirty hillbilly Steelers. Most of the draft went according to plan.  Colts got Luck.  The Redskins ( I’m pretty sure still a racial term) got RG3.  A bunch of Alabama dudes with Predator haircuts got drafted.   And this happened:

                                                                                                      Dallas Cowboys draft picks:

                                                                                                                                     Rd 1 Pick 6 - Morris Claiborne ( Cornerback, LSU  Jr.)  

Some people are already talking shit on this move by Jerry to trade away their 2nd round draft pick to move up to get Claiborne.  Look, this was the best defensive player in the draft.  He is either going to be the next Deon or the next Terrence Newmen.  Either way with Carr and Claiborne in the backfield, your not going to see any more multiple point comebacks by the opposing team like you saw repeatedly last  year.  I say bold move Jerry. 

      “Yall should go ask yo momma about my Wonderlic”                                                                                                                                 Rd 3 Pick 18 - Tyrone Crawford  ( Defenseive End Boise St. Sr.)

A Canadian ( Don’t ask me) Scouts feel Tyrone will be a good fit for our 3-4 defense, as he can play Outside Linebacker or Defensive end, which describes most every player on defense. 

Rd 4 Pick 18 - Kyle Wilbur  ( Outside Linebacker Wake Forrest Sr.) 

Wilbur helped lead Wake Forrest tough defense in the ACC.  Along with Tyrone Crawford, they will help Dallas’ pass rush.

Rd 4 Pick 40 - Matt Johnson  ( Safety Eastern Michigan Sr.)

This guy is comparable to Michael Barron ( drafted 7th overall to Tampa Bay) on paper. 4.54 40 yard dash and bench pressed 225 pounds 18 times at his pro day.  However he sustained a bicep injury and missed most of his senior year.

Rd 5 Pick 17 - Danny Coale  (Wide Receiver Virginia Tech Sr.)

Coale will try to compete for the Cowboys 3rd receiver spot as we lack a human being at that position.

Rd 6 Pick 16 - James Hanna ( Tight end Oklahoma Sr. )

He was the fastest TE in the draft, if that means anything.

Rd 7 Pick 15 - Caleb McSturdy  ( Inside Linebacker Montana Sr. )

His name is Caleb McSturdy.  That’s all I could find.

                                                                                                                                                                                        MMA

Alistair Overheem fails to get his fighting license.

- He lost an opportunity to fight Junior Dos Santos for the Heavyweight Championship after testing for absurd high levels of testosterone a few weeks ago.  Frank Mir took his spot in the title fight scheduled for May 26.  He claimed it was a dumb ass doctor who somehow mixed testosterone with some medicine.  The Nevada Athletic Commission I guess felt bad, and reduced his year suspension to 9 months. So you will probably see him back early next year.  Just look at this dude’s fucking head.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         UFC signs Bellator Middleweight champ Hector Lombard

-He has been signed to fight Brian Stann on UFC on FOX 4 on Aug 4 in LA. If you haven’t seen Lombard fight,  check him out.  This Cuban is a killer.

UFC 149 fights announced:
July 21 in Calgary
-Eric Koch vs Jose Aldo for the Featherweight Championship
-Shogun vs Thiago Silva
-Big Nog vs Cheick Kongo
-Thiago Alves vs Yoshihiro Akiyama

Preview of UFC on FOX 3 Miller vs Diaz - Saturday May 5th

Alan Belcher vs Rousimar Palhares

- Palahres is the favorite because he likes to break dude’s legs, but too bad Alan Belcher has a tree trunk for a leg.  My prediction: Upset special!  Alan Belcher is knocking this fool out in the 2nd with a knee to a fucking face.  Can I get an amen?

Josh Koscheck vs Johnny Hendricks

 I’m really pumped about this fight.  Two amazing wrestlers who like to swing.  Hendricks is coming off his quick KO of John Fitch, while Koscheck is coming off a controversial win against Mike Pierce.  My prediction: Johnny Hendricks is the future, Koscheck is  not.  Hendricks 1st round KO.

Jim Miller vs Nate Daiz

 A very huge fight in the lightweight division, as the winner could be the next in line for a title shot. Miller is probably the favorite in this.  Nate Diaz is not typically good with with wrestlers, but Jim Miller has a tendency to look for exciting fights.  He may look to win this on on his feet, where Nate Diaz has continued to look better.  This should be a really exciting fight.  My prediction: Miller by decision.

                                                                                                Hockey

Playoffs 2nd Round Preview

Western Conference

Blues vs Kings

Kings stole game 1, but St. Louis was the #1 seed for good reason, they’re good at hockey.  Blues come back and win this series in 6.

                                                                                                                       Coyotes vs Predators

Battle of the new up in coming goalies.  Chris Smith of the Coyotes vs Pekka Rinne of the Predators.  So far, neither goalie has really factored much in the series, but Phoenix took the two first games.  It think Smith will play better, and Phoenix will win this series in 7.

Eastern Conference

Flyers vs Devils

Danny Briere scored the OT goal in game 1, but this isn’t close to being decided. This is gonna be a rough physical series.  Philli is the hot team right now, after taking out the Penguins, and Broduer isn’t getting younger, so I will go with the Flyers in 7.

          ( Flyers fans showing their hospitality to the away fans )                                                                                                                         Rangers vs Capitals

Rangers took game 1, as Ovechkin continues to struggle.  The Caps have run out of lucky charms.  Unless Alex gets Washington back in this, it going to end quick.  I like New York in 5.

                                                                                                                                                                                    Baseball

Finally, the Rangers found a team that can actually compete with them.  Although the Rays took 2 of 3 games against the Rangers,  Rangers still hold the best record in baseball.  The Angels still remain 9 games back as their huge embarrassing disappointment of a start continues, and Pujols continues to suck major balls.(BA .216, HR 0, RBI 4)

In Sunday’s game, Josh Hamilton tweaked a muscle in his back and left in the 3rd inning. Before the injury, Hamilton was the AL leader in homeruns (9) RBIs (25) and 2nd in BA (.395).  His recovery is day to day.

Yu Darvish is making me mad Yen on the street.  He straight dominated the Yankees.  I got the Yakuza on the run with this bet. They went against the wrong matha faka. I’m really impressed with Yu when he gets into trouble, and has to get out of tough situations.  The dude is as calm as can be.  I look forward to watching him continue his success tonight against Toronto.

                                                                                                                                   The bullpen is looking better every day.  The rookie lefty Robbie Ross is wrecking shop.  He somehow is tied with the league lead in wins (4).  Did I mention he is a relief pitcher?